Do Hard Things....

Mid Summer 2022 I was in Alaska when my nephew, Sam, and I planned a trip to Utah to go canyoneering. When I got home I set a goal of walking 3-5 miles a day to increase my stamina. Not only is the canyoneering physically taxing but there is the hike in and where we were in Little Blue John Canyon in Robbers Roost there was also a pretty long hike out. I didn’t want to be dragging at the end to the point of misery.

When I went to vote I tripped and face planted on the concrete on the way out. I broke my nose (hairline fracture), bruised my ribs on my dominant arm side, and was generally road rashed to the max on my knees, knuckles, and face. Not a pretty sight. This was literally the day before I was supposed to leave. While the doctor was concerned he said the ENT looked at the x-rays and said he probably would have splinted it externally but really there was nothing much to do as it wasn’t displaced (so grateful for that.) He said, “just don’t smack it into the rock wall and don’t get slapped by a bear,” and I felt I could manage that. Looking back I’m so glad I didn’t know how numb everything was and how it would end up being more challenging that I could have imagined because the following morning I got on the plane to Utah. I figured the worst that could happen is we got to Moab and found a good spot to day drink.

We got up way before daylight and drove out to the Robbers Roost area about 20 miles out of town. A long drive over rough roads and far removed from the hordes at the National Park. Having a guide that knows the area like the back of their hand and knows I like to go where the experience will be more solitary and contemplative was a must. Sam is technically my nephew but more my bonus child. He is very attuned to my love of nature and experience and how the company one keeps is paramount to a good time. He’s about as fine a company as one could ask for. The conversations are always deep, lots of laughter, lots of stopping and noticing, absorbing, plenty of comfortable silences. He knows I don’t have to be “entertained” but that I am an absolute sponge for knowledge about all things “this thing we are doing here/now” and his knowledge is extensive. He loves that place so much and now I understand why. The colors and textures are intoxicating. As the sun and clouds move the colors change so that the view is never the same from moment to moment. It is an ancient place and feels more than a little otherworldly.

The descents/rappels were more difficult for me psychologically than physically. Overcoming my fears was the struggle. The lizard brain screaming “DON’T DO THIS!!!” but do it I did. When I reached the landing of the first drop (the easiest one but I didn’t know that at the time) I burst into tears. Tears of relief, pride in myself and my battered 60 year old body, the release of pent up fear. I thnk some of those tears might have been the one’s unshed the day before when I powered through the entire fall incident and subsequent ministrations like it was no big deal. There were 3 more descents. On the 3rd descent there was a ledge - a particularly troublesome mental and physical hurdle as there was slack on the line and I ended up with my foot stuck in a crack and as I attempted to free it I ended up in a power squat with my upper body laying flat over the abyss and all my arm strength spent from holding up my own weight. I was feeling very panicked. Sam was speaking in that calm voice and trying to talk me through just going ahead and letting myself go completely back where the emergency clip he’d attached would catch me. When I told him I was afraid of smacking my face he understood my terror of that happening. He clipped himself in, came down to the small ledge where my foot was hung and, himself in a power squat, grabbed the shoulder strap on my pack and pulled me back up from a supine position back to my righted power squat and then from his deep squat lifted me all the way to my feet. I’m not sure if you’re able to understand what I’m describing but just suffice to say he didn’t struggle and in that moment I knew I was experiencing the raw power of a very strong man. That’s a full “ass on heels” squat deadlift of a 5’9” 175 pound human to a standing position in one sweeping motion. After being presented with this glorious “do over” I went belly down over the edge until my feet found the canyon wall. I’m not sorry for the 1st attempt going awry. I learned a LOT about me and him in that moment. It cemented the deep trust I already have in him. It affirmed that who you have as tribe makes or breaks a journey. That I can be faced with what seems like a no win situation but in fact there were lots of options, some better than others. That fear can blind you to those options.

You’ll see from the pics I was sporting some shiners and abrasions but also a smile. I went and did the damn thing and was better for the doing. Rather than satisfying that itch to do hard things, to push myself, to get outside my comfort zone - it just threw gas on an already sizeable bonfire. I love to travel, learn new things, meet new people, eat new foods, jump out of planes, climb new mountains, swim in ice cold water, see new vistas, drinking in the strange and new of it all. Standing on a mesa the next day, far out of town to a place very dear to him we had a discussion about my vertigo from looking at or even thinking about getting close to the edge to see all the glory below. I felt it even when he got close. He said that was a common response and he used to feel it too. Now he’s like a mountain goat, sure footed, careful but comfortable. He said something that rocked me, “our daily lives are so full of bumper rails, when you get out here it’s just you, no fences or rails or signs to say “don’t” and it’s a powerful sense of responsibility for yourself.” It made me think about all the safety mechanisms and systems in our daily lives and surrounded by all those “bumper rails” how we act so timidly, so fearful. Begging the question, “what the hell are we so afraid of?”

So that’s what I came home with…. the determination to weed out fears that aren’t based in reality. To trust in the knowledge that I’m tougher, and stronger, and more calm and in control of my mind and wits than I had ever given myself credit for. That all the mental, spiritual, and physical work does pay off. Walking all those miles in preparation was sometimes hot or boring or cold but totally worth it and worth continuing to strenghten my body and make it resilient and provide stamina. All those wiggly morning meditations until I could sit in stillness helped me to overcome fear and panic by taking control of my monkey mind. All the spiritual deep dive into Stoicism helped me to find acceptance of what was and work with it instead of railing against it. Do hard things…it will make you a stronger, better person.